Thinking...

Over the past week I have had much to think about. I've questioned the reason Matt broke up with me. I questioned myself. I've gone through many emotions from extreme sadness to extreme anger. It's been a trying week. Finding out there is no hope for us, had me feeling something I had not felt in this past week. It was like my heart breaking for a second time. Then to find out the reason why there is no hope for us...well that...that hurt more then you could probably imagine. I felt guilty and angry with myself. I felt horrible and just beat myself up over it. How could I make someone I love feel that way? Feel wrong for his choices and what is best for him? Who does that? I love Matt in such a way I can't begin to explain, I just don't think there are words to describe it. I wish I could go back to Friday and rethink what I was saying. Not that I think it would matter any. I just thought this whole thing was going to get easier, but honestly it's not. If anything it's harder everyday. To go through my day knowing I won't hear from him or possibly ever see him again....I can't grasp that. That was my best friend. I'm finding it hard to sleep at night, even harder to wake up. I hate crying and now I just cry everyday. I feel so hated and that hurts so much. Today on facebook I had a status that said:

Love is a temporary madness,erupts like an earthquake,then subsides. When it subsides u have to make a decision,to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable 2 part. That's what love is. It's not excitement or promise of eternal passion, that's just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves that we are. Love is what is leftover when being in love has burned away.

Anyway some commented on it asking if I thought that was true. I said: Given what happened over the past week....I don't know. I think maybe. I feel love can get you through anything, if you believe the love is worth it. If it's not worth it to you, then problems seem impossible to mend, compromise, work through. Just my take. But I'm bitter so who knows

I never really thought of it that way, but I think I do now and that hurts a lot!

It's getting late I need to go to sleep.

Sad...

Just very sad today. I feel very lost and very hurt.

Philly and Update

Well things have been going well. I'm starting school next week and honestly I can't wait. Austin has spent the summer with my Grandparents, he comes back in two weeks. It's going to be so different having two kids around again. Things with Matt and I are going very well. I couldn't be happier. We went to Philly last night, and I had a lot of fun. Note to others: Do not wear flip flops when walking all over Philly or your feet will hurt, and when your boyfriend gives you the option of going back to the car or continue walking while you are in pain. choose the car!

couldn't ask for more...

i feel really blessed in my life. it's so amazing to me how quickly my life turned around once i did what i needed too.

i have such a wonderful family. they are there for me through good and bad. i have two beautiful children. they drive me crazy but i wouldn't change it for the world. i have an amazing boyfriend, who treats me great. i love him so much. what more could i ask for really?

love...

what exactly does it mean to love someone? when is it to soon to love someone? can you even describe love? what if two pepole's meaning of love differ?

to me love is caring very much for someone. it's missing the little things about them. it's never wanting something bad to happen to them, or hoping they never leave your life. but am i right? can someone tell me what love is?

Happy...

I took the steps I needed to move forward in my life. I am finally happy! I also have an amazing boyfriend named Matt. He is so handsome and just wow! I feel on top of the world!I forgot what it was like to be truly happy. I'm so proud of myself.

Empty...

I have this over whelming feeling of emptiness I just can not shake today. I feel sick over it. I feel as tho I want to do things to improve my life and I can't. I feel stuck and trapped and it bothers me so much. I feel like things are out of my control and that scares me.