Happy...

I took the steps I needed to move forward in my life. I am finally happy! I also have an amazing boyfriend named Matt. He is so handsome and just wow! I feel on top of the world!I forgot what it was like to be truly happy. I'm so proud of myself.

Empty...

I have this over whelming feeling of emptiness I just can not shake today. I feel sick over it. I feel as tho I want to do things to improve my life and I can't. I feel stuck and trapped and it bothers me so much. I feel like things are out of my control and that scares me.

life...

Life is what you make it. If you are unhappy with your life, fix it. I think i finally realized that I am the only one who can make the changes to improve my life and improve my happiness within myself. When you make other people your world and live to please others, you really are not living out your own happiness. To make your life really truly your own life you need to take that step back and look at yourself. It is not an easy thing to do.

Hello 2009...

Hello 2009 I hope your better then 2008! I didn't make any resolutions this year because I know I won't stick with them. There are a few things I would like to do in '09. One thing that I need to do is to start trying to write again. During high school I would write a lot of poetry and then one just stopped. I haven't felt inspired, I need to find my insipration. I also want to try and cut down how much I smoke. I am not going to say quit, because I am not ready to quit.

christmas, where did it go?

let me start off by saying please excuse all errors in this post to come. i am trying to do this update from my phone, while i am at work.

Ok now that i got that important measage out of the way. christmas has come and gone. God is it me or was that awful quick?

Christmas eve we went to my cousin Heather's house. The kids had a blast! I really enjoy spending time with my family....they are nuts....in good way of course. After my cousin's we took a ride to Parsippany and my Father was there. I gave him his gift and got out of there as fast as possible. I really do not like being around him.

Santa came and left many gifts under the tree for the kids. They really enjoyed all their gifts. Austin was so into all of his new stuff, he didnt even want to leave to go with my Grandparents for a few days. That is very rare for him. I made dinner for us and my dad. We had ham, garlic mashed potatos, greenbeans, corn, stuffing and cranberry sauce. It turned out very well.

I need to leave work now, i will try and update again soon.

Hard Times...

I've done some soul searching and have made some tough choices over the past few weeks. Things, I believe were good choices, healthy choices for my own well being. Someone else may disagree and although I see their point, they can not seem to see mine. Mentally and emotionally I am to a point. They may blame it on other issues or even other people I may be talking with, but what they believe is wrong. I am not saying I am perfect and that some problems were not my fault. People do change, and it may not be the way others want it. I need to stop living my life to please him and start living my life for me. For that I need to move forward without him. Yes it may sound mean and yes it may be hurtful, but I cannot control the way I feel just to please others.

Moving...

Moving to PA, really had to be one of my better moves. Things are so different not just for me but for my children. They are happier and I am happier. I think I have grown, not just as a parent but in general. I have come to realize what is important and what is not. I've begun a new journey in my faith, as well as instill faith in my children lives. The LORD is good.

Austin is doing remarkabley well in school and we have found the underlying reason for his behavior and his actions. He is moving forward and I can see a real difference that makes him much happier.