Catching Up...

I wasn't able to post pictures for the past few days, so I'm playing catch up.

Watching Serendipity at Matt's Aunt's house
11/27/2009

Waiting in line at the drive thru of Sonic for our drinks. Really don't get how you order green apple and get grape two different times.
11/28/2009

MMMMM Home wrecker from Moe's
11/29/2009

Thinking...

Over the past week I have had much to think about. I've questioned the reason Matt broke up with me. I questioned myself. I've gone through many emotions from extreme sadness to extreme anger. It's been a trying week. Finding out there is no hope for us, had me feeling something I had not felt in this past week. It was like my heart breaking for a second time. Then to find out the reason why there is no hope for us...well that...that hurt more then you could probably imagine. I felt guilty and angry with myself. I felt horrible and just beat myself up over it. How could I make someone I love feel that way? Feel wrong for his choices and what is best for him? Who does that? I love Matt in such a way I can't begin to explain, I just don't think there are words to describe it. I wish I could go back to Friday and rethink what I was saying. Not that I think it would matter any. I just thought this whole thing was going to get easier, but honestly it's not. If anything it's harder everyday. To go through my day knowing I won't hear from him or possibly ever see him again....I can't grasp that. That was my best friend. I'm finding it hard to sleep at night, even harder to wake up. I hate crying and now I just cry everyday. I feel so hated and that hurts so much. Today on facebook I had a status that said:

Love is a temporary madness,erupts like an earthquake,then subsides. When it subsides u have to make a decision,to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable 2 part. That's what love is. It's not excitement or promise of eternal passion, that's just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves that we are. Love is what is leftover when being in love has burned away.

Anyway some commented on it asking if I thought that was true. I said: Given what happened over the past week....I don't know. I think maybe. I feel love can get you through anything, if you believe the love is worth it. If it's not worth it to you, then problems seem impossible to mend, compromise, work through. Just my take. But I'm bitter so who knows

I never really thought of it that way, but I think I do now and that hurts a lot!

It's getting late I need to go to sleep.

Philly and Update

Well things have been going well. I'm starting school next week and honestly I can't wait. Austin has spent the summer with my Grandparents, he comes back in two weeks. It's going to be so different having two kids around again. Things with Matt and I are going very well. I couldn't be happier. We went to Philly last night, and I had a lot of fun. Note to others: Do not wear flip flops when walking all over Philly or your feet will hurt, and when your boyfriend gives you the option of going back to the car or continue walking while you are in pain. choose the car!

couldn't ask for more...

i feel really blessed in my life. it's so amazing to me how quickly my life turned around once i did what i needed too.

i have such a wonderful family. they are there for me through good and bad. i have two beautiful children. they drive me crazy but i wouldn't change it for the world. i have an amazing boyfriend, who treats me great. i love him so much. what more could i ask for really?

love...

what exactly does it mean to love someone? when is it to soon to love someone? can you even describe love? what if two pepole's meaning of love differ?

to me love is caring very much for someone. it's missing the little things about them. it's never wanting something bad to happen to them, or hoping they never leave your life. but am i right? can someone tell me what love is?

Happy...

I took the steps I needed to move forward in my life. I am finally happy! I also have an amazing boyfriend named Matt. He is so handsome and just wow! I feel on top of the world!I forgot what it was like to be truly happy. I'm so proud of myself.

Empty...

I have this over whelming feeling of emptiness I just can not shake today. I feel sick over it. I feel as tho I want to do things to improve my life and I can't. I feel stuck and trapped and it bothers me so much. I feel like things are out of my control and that scares me.

life...

Life is what you make it. If you are unhappy with your life, fix it. I think i finally realized that I am the only one who can make the changes to improve my life and improve my happiness within myself. When you make other people your world and live to please others, you really are not living out your own happiness. To make your life really truly your own life you need to take that step back and look at yourself. It is not an easy thing to do.

Hello 2009...

Hello 2009 I hope your better then 2008! I didn't make any resolutions this year because I know I won't stick with them. There are a few things I would like to do in '09. One thing that I need to do is to start trying to write again. During high school I would write a lot of poetry and then one just stopped. I haven't felt inspired, I need to find my insipration. I also want to try and cut down how much I smoke. I am not going to say quit, because I am not ready to quit.

christmas, where did it go?

let me start off by saying please excuse all errors in this post to come. i am trying to do this update from my phone, while i am at work.

Ok now that i got that important measage out of the way. christmas has come and gone. God is it me or was that awful quick?

Christmas eve we went to my cousin Heather's house. The kids had a blast! I really enjoy spending time with my family....they are nuts....in good way of course. After my cousin's we took a ride to Parsippany and my Father was there. I gave him his gift and got out of there as fast as possible. I really do not like being around him.

Santa came and left many gifts under the tree for the kids. They really enjoyed all their gifts. Austin was so into all of his new stuff, he didnt even want to leave to go with my Grandparents for a few days. That is very rare for him. I made dinner for us and my dad. We had ham, garlic mashed potatos, greenbeans, corn, stuffing and cranberry sauce. It turned out very well.

I need to leave work now, i will try and update again soon.

Hard Times...

I've done some soul searching and have made some tough choices over the past few weeks. Things, I believe were good choices, healthy choices for my own well being. Someone else may disagree and although I see their point, they can not seem to see mine. Mentally and emotionally I am to a point. They may blame it on other issues or even other people I may be talking with, but what they believe is wrong. I am not saying I am perfect and that some problems were not my fault. People do change, and it may not be the way others want it. I need to stop living my life to please him and start living my life for me. For that I need to move forward without him. Yes it may sound mean and yes it may be hurtful, but I cannot control the way I feel just to please others.

Moving...

Moving to PA, really had to be one of my better moves. Things are so different not just for me but for my children. They are happier and I am happier. I think I have grown, not just as a parent but in general. I have come to realize what is important and what is not. I've begun a new journey in my faith, as well as instill faith in my children lives. The LORD is good.

Austin is doing remarkabley well in school and we have found the underlying reason for his behavior and his actions. He is moving forward and I can see a real difference that makes him much happier.

Yes I kow...

I know I know another blog.

See I forgot the login information for my old one, so I had no choice but to make a new one.

There were some posts on my older blog that I really liked and I thought were well written, so I will post those here and then just start where I left off...Lucky you.